there are days when i just feel so frustrated and so irritated with everyone and everything around me. feels like e classic repress-too-much-emotion-then-burst-out kinda psychotraumatic ailments O.o like:
there’s no breakfast nothing to eat in the house no ribena or any drink my room floor is dusty someone took my pen and did NOT return i wanted to do stuff but there’s no more time and i’m gonna be late the water’s not hot enough candy is barking and nobody is bothering to shut her up woke up with a headache ppl shouting my name when i’m on the freaking phone so i obviously can’t answer and they still scream my name and i talk louder in the phone ISN’T IT FREAKING OBVIOUS I’M ON THE TELEPHONE LIKE I’D JUST IGNORE U FOR NO REASON and the phone rings again but it’s not my call why am i the one even answering it and ppl are shouting from the 3rd floor to the 1st and i’m the middleman it’s not even my conversation why am i the loudhailer or the middleman my table’s in a mess and my stack of CD falls and i stack it up and it falls again and WHY CAN’T IT JUST STAY THERE stupid postits on my whiteboard just flapping to the fan and the fan refuses to turn omg and i whack it and ouch i think if someone sees me it’ll be really spastic but i don’t care it’s a stupid fan and my things refuse to sync with my com UGH FFFFFFFFFF.
yup. smth like that. then i just wanna rail and rant and rave and indulge in my wrath. i really really do. then my head speaks to me and with immense effort (feels like my inside is being 五马分体) i drag myself to bed, sit down cross-legged, throw my last bits of tantrum at my pillow (like it’s its fault). then i breathe, clasp my hands together, turn my head to the left where my altar is, and i say: O Lord.
and the thing is, it works. i calm down, i feel peace enter my being. damn sound like some zen milan kundera new age thing~ and i realize… the grace wasn’t just granted in the peace, it was granted in the will He gave me to pray. guess that’s how the journey from the head to the heart is made sometimes; what an arduous one it is. and when i stop, it’s not that the wrath is dispelled. it’s still there, lingering somewhere. slivers of it still slip out sometimes but i know now, not just with my head but e rest of my person also, with trust and with faith, that i’d been given strength. it’s not a matter of repression and explosion see, it’s a matter of choice and will.
haiz no school alrdy like that. later when school start arh. wa. morph into an exploding tissue box~
i had godiva’s chocolixir today – Dark Chocolate Decadence. ZOMG. the first sip felt like heaven. then the next few felt like drugs <3 omgggggg it is imba. haha i was thinking as i drank my indulgent drink~ wa if i ever work in godiva, i’ll ask them to pay me in chocolates. then i’ll have a truffle and a praline everyday and that’d be all =)
soo u’re totally missing out!