somewhere inside me, i know i’m getting lost. the vacillations are gettg too often and too extreme. and there’s a buildg restlessness and angst tt keeps threatening to bubble to e surface. it cracks e cool facade every now and then.

i don’t know what i’m supposed to do abt it. e week is ending soon, yes. moots will be over tmr. yk’s last lesson is on monday. but there’ll be spillover effects to next week. nevertheless, i can reasonably hope for a less exhausting week ahead (even w e crim conference, writeforward, css and e wyd reflection backlog to clear).

but wasn’t this where i was lead to be? why then am i still so exhausted? why can’t i find u in all things? in all this – in e stress, e many things to do. why is it so hard to find u? everything pointed towards this pt tt i chose to be in. everything came tgt – stretchg myself, being a gd steward, fulfilling my vocation as a student, doing ur work in e world, trusting in u. why then can’t i draw strength from u. what’s e pt of all this if i can’t?

lord, lead me back to u.

I got up early one morning
And rushed right into the day;
I had so much to accomplish
I didn’t take time to pray.

Problems just tumbled about me
And heavier grew each task;
Why doesn’t God help me, I wondered.
He answered, “You didn’t ask.”

I wanted to see joy and beauty,
But the day toiled on, gray and bleak;
I wondered why God didn’t show me —
He said, “But you didn’t seek.”

I tried to come into God’s presence;
I used all my keys at the lock;
God gently and lovingly chided,
“My child, you didn’t knock.”

I woke up early this morning
And paused before entering the day;
I had so much to accomplish
That I had to take time to pray.

        Grace L. Naessens

i’m rly holdg on to tt last two lines. gg for ado on wed made me realize just how much i needed to pray, and how much support i get thru prayer. e earlier lines make me cynical tho. cos i’m not just askg, seekg and knockg. i’m ranting too. so u can’t say tt i dint do those things. maybe i’m not integrated enough, maybe i’m not in tune enough, i don’t know. but it just seems to me tt i’m doing this on my own and i can’t. i need u. is tt humility enough? is tt enough pride and vanity and ego shaved off for u to help now?

ok la u are helpg. at least wrt to e moots. but u’re also throwg so many things my way! all these little discoveries of e things tt i don’t like in myself. these little emotional traps tt i could totally not use right now. ugh. i know u won’t throw me more than i can handle. and i don’t wish tt u wouldn’t trust me. but what i do wish for is for u to make urself tangible and to let ur transformative power work. i feel so tired of being myself – this weak frail disintegrated person with so much more to grow and heal. i just wanna be who i can be alrdy. but ok fine maybe tt’s just being escapist.


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About Mel

I dreamt I was a whale. https://melvynfoo.wordpress.com/about-mel/