I lie awake; I am like a lonely bird on the housetop.
– Psalm 102:7
Not a particularly apt verse, since I went to sleep last night without finishing my tutorial or my blogpost. So I woke up at 7 instead (though my alarm was set for 6 ._.) to finish up both.
I realized yesterday, quite suddenly (and accidentally), that I’ve become a lot less deliberate in my relationships. It’s not so much that I value people less; it’s more that I find that I have less of myself to give. There are times when I’m so tired that I don’t even bother to tell anyone I’m tired cos it’s more tiring just to do so. Communication beyond face-to-face becomes a hassle; I try to use email and text only where necessary, rather than for sharing purposes. Although the threshold of ‘necessary’ is still very high I would think.
I feel like my presence beyond my immediate person is withdrawing. My ‘sphere of connection’ has become a lot smaller. If I didn’t have this Lenten blog thing going on, maybe I would have disappeared off cyberspace completely. If I wasn’t a leader, I definitely would have just gone off FB. Which makes my relationships circumstantial I think. I share with people who happen to be around me (still subject, of course, to proximity). I hardly initiate any cyber-conversations nowadays. Though I do reply people who text/email me; then again, it’s usually a delayed response.
I like to think (or at least hope) that the upside of this is that I’m more fully present – to others when I’m with them or to myself when I’m alone. So the value of both routine (think Friday sharings) and spontaneity (think everyday mealtimes and random meetings) become a lot more important – because that is when I catch up with people. Other than that, I don’t quite know how or what to make of this phenomenon.
I resolve to make my next sem less packed. Though ._. on a first glance, I don’t know how it’s gonna be possible.