Nearing the end of Dark Shadows (which is a sadly mediocre movie and a waste of good actresses), I felt it. It’s been quite a long time.
For a moment, it was like saying hi to a friend that I hadn’t met in a while. I use friend here in the only sense that he’s been with you for so significant an amount of time that the familiarity between you and him merits the use of e word. A friend that I once found frustrating and nagging and intolerable. When people like that are gone from your life for some time, you forget what it was like. And you think that you can cope with them when they come back again.
And you can, I guess. For a while. You say hi cordially and you can actually stand being his presence. Perhaps even revel in it. And tell yourself things like he’s not so bad after all. Or maybe something even more delusional like hey I’ve matured because I can deal with him now.
But after a while, the illusion shatters. And you’re no longer so detached, so transcendent, so mature (not that you ever were). It all comes back in a rushing tide – the resentment, the darkness, the damned downward spiral.
I know what to do I guess. I know how to deal with it. But perhaps I’m simply indulging. Emotional sadism. Is there such a thing? What an emokid~ I can already envision the perceptions.
But its not just sadism, you see. It’s also the allure of power. In these times, everything sharpens. Feelings focus. Insights penetrate. Analyses illuminate. And when these feelings, these insights, these analyses are targeted at someone, against someone, then it becomes so simple – to hurt, to slice, to poison. Bitterness is ample inspiration for the utterance of a malicious joke (with the ever-ready relax lah I’m only kidding leh defense), or the proclamation of a withering psychoanalysis, or the formulation of an undeserved riposte. It’s dark and insidious; but it’s power anyway.
And like a good law student, I’ll give you the mantra: all power corrupts.