I just admitted to myself today – I really really want ILP. It’s scary how much I want it. I don’t think I’ve wanted something so much for so long in quite a while. In fact, the larger part of me knew that I wanted it so badly that it carved out a smaller, safer part of myself to counter how much I wanted it. It’s only self-defense. It’s providing a emotional lifeline for myself. All this while, I’ve wanted it so much that I knew I’d be
disappointed crushed if I didn’t get it. And so I told myself:
I only want ILP because of pride.
I only want ILP because kor first did it.
I only want ILP because it is an instrumental good.
And so I don’t really want it all that much, and it’s ok if I don’t get it.
But I need my desire for the interview. I need it to burn tomorrow – unrestrained, passionate, convicted. And so I need to confront the fears of failing that is intrinsically linked with it, to open myself and be vulnerable to the hurt that not getting in will bring. So here’s the truth:
Pride is hardly a causa causans; it’s a familiar enough foe for me to navigate it’s wiles.
I’ve never felt the need to compare myself with kor.
ILP is obviously valuable in itself.
I really want it. I’ve wanted it ever since kor talked about it when I entered law school. And I’m very much afraid that I don’t get it.
It’s like Batman climbing without his rope. He is empowered. Not by fear – no, I don’t believe fear is ever a direct source of power – but by the strength that the flow of fear brings. Because if you tie a rope to yourself, if you cling on to your lifeline, you will never give fully of yourself. It’s faith that empowers, that desperate reliance on the belief that somehow, there is something in you that can make the jump – that’s why they call it the ‘leap of faith’.
So I’ll be taking the plunge. And I’ll trust in God enough to let my fears flow. It’s a cliff I’m jumping off from – if I don’t fly, at least let angels catch me.