“And perhaps, in time to come, it would simply seem that all SOW had ever been was a dream – a dream of spring and dawn and rays of sunshine. And this… this is the beauty of it. This, in the grand scheme of things, is sufficient. Because that which is dreamed can never after be undreamed.”

– blogpost 3 years ago

When I think back on what SOW did, I imagine it as a slingshot. It stretched my desire.

I was unremorseful when SOW was about to end. While my batchmates lamented about how SOW was ending soon, I secretly rejoiced. I was excited. I felt ready and empowered to go out, learn and explore my own faith – unfettered, freely, independently. SOW had been the appetizer. I was now looking for the main course.

Then, SOW ended. And I launched straight into the Church’s mysteries. I went to Rome, read books on the Mass and sacraments and teachings and CS Lewis and Chesterton et al, did camps, did sessions, met up with priests and deacons, woke up for morning mass.

It was intense. Prayer was easy. Mass was enriching. Journaling was empowering.

That’s not so anymore.

When I lifted the cross on Sunday and offered my busyness, this idea came to me. Maybe that’s what this entire ILP-obsessed year is – another stretching out of desire. And when all this ends, when God sees fit to let me go, maybe I’ll fly farther and higher.

Lord, catapult me back into your embrace. 

“The life of faith and the moving power of faith are exactly the same. Such a life is an enjoyment of God’s gift, and a confidence grounded in the expectation of His protection, making everything pleasant and enabling us to receive everythign with good grace. It works a kind of indifference to varying states of life, locations or companionships, yet at the same time, it prepares us for all of them… The senses, in terror, suddenly cry to the soul, “Unhappy one! You have no resource left; you are lost!” Instantly faith with a stronger voice answers: “Keep firm, go forward and fear nothing!”

– Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Joy of Full Surrender


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About Mel

I dreamt I was a whale.