I should be more careful about the sessions I agree to take up, or what I say in the sessions that I do. Because the points I make in a session always seem self-prohetic. It’s as if God wants to validate or justify whatever I say in a session by making me live it out.
(1) Being fully alive is also about being emptied and lost and restless.
Being Fully Alive (Session 6) was not one of my best sessions. I built it around the mime Alive Again; and focussed a large part of the input on a reflection/analysis of St Augustine’s famous passage in his Confessions. Which is beautiful, and steeped in significance. Too much significance for a 15-year-old. Or maybe even a 24-year-old. So I paid the price of risking being overly abstract or complex for the benefit of making the mime more impactful. I don’t think the risk really paid off. Which made me quite sian. Oh wells.
But what disturbed me more was the growing realization that I lack a sensitivity to the Spirit. While the far-off intuitions and inspirations may have come from God, I suspect that my real-time discernment and spontaneous sensing is really quite underdeveloped. So my major takeaway for this camp is to work on that – deepening prayer life, spending more time in ado, listening and listening again.
This shades into the next point.
(2) Being fully alive is finding God within yourself.
I felt alone this camp. Whenever I was not practicing music, I was pretty much just doing my own stuff. It didn’t help that there was a scant number of loggers this time round. And we were all scattered in different ministries.
I didn’t feel lonely though. Just alone. Which makes me think I’ve grown. Camps used to be intensely connective and personal. Not this one. And I was ok with it. Some part of me did want to reach out more to people around me and to make the best use of the opportunities for HTHT in a camp setting. But with all the session planning, that didn’t happen all that much. And after my session on the 3rd day, I was exhausted by the 3am-night.
That left me with no energy in whatever little I had in my social battery for outreach.
(3) Being fully alive is being passionate for God’s kingdom and serving His people.
As for music, I’ve come to really enjoy being a part of a music team and playing keyboard in worship; I think I’ve reached a somewhat decent technical standard. And yet, I’m still absolutely undisposed towards leading worship. And I don’t really have much desire to improve or nurture my skills. Which makes me a little confused as to whether I really have a gifting in music or not. I’m actually quite content to just play only when I’m needed.
That concludes my camp reflection. This was harder to write than expected.