Here are the 4 options I have crystallised:
1. Leave CLLC to:
(A) Apply to Geneva Academy of International Humanitarian Law and Human Rights;
(B) Become a teacher (NIE or Independent Schools);
2. Stay in CLLC to:
(A) Grow in practice and become a partner;
(B) Wait-and-see for the next discernment phase.
The discernment process isn’t linear, I know, so the contents of these 7 posts (especially the earlier ones) must remain mutable. But they are useful checkpoints, and that is the purpose they will serve.
Thursday 11 Feb
“Hey [S] thanks for checking up <3 one day u gotta tell me what it is abt my posts tt reveals it lol. I mean I do secretly want to let ppl know but at e same time I’m overtly cryptic cos I don’t wanna indulge. So I’m curious abt what gives me away haha. Ok detached musings aside.
Today isn’t too bad I guess. But it’s an exception that proves the rule: I’m in a period of desolation again I think. I feel uninspired in general – even w cat class, ministry, reading, friendships. Add on the recent busyness, and it gets scary. Went back to work last sat. Prob will hv to go back this sat too.
It’s v sian cos rgdless of how hard I try to center on God and how many blogposts I write abt work and God, I can’t stop work from pulling me away. I read my previous blogposts and I think: ‘been there done that why am I back here again’ or ‘I’m a hypocrite’.
For the first time since I can rmb, I feel my integrity being threatened. Maybe I’m even heading in the direction of disintegration. There are cracks showing – how uncaring I feel, how I’m slipping in non-work commitments, how I’m not following up w ppl and responding to their bids, how I hv ideas but am too tired / lazy / defeated to record them. [F’s] bday passed and I didn’t even try to organise a meetup. Not even after trial ended.
Ash wed was terrible too. I went at lunch and early before evening Mass, but both times I couldn’t make it for confession. So I did not receive communion during evening mass. And cos I waited until the last min for confession, I couldn’t get a seat in the pews and had to squeeze with the horde at the back. And cos the crowd was so huge, I didn’t know how the queue worked so I didn’t even go up to receive the ashes. By the time I realised I was supposed to have gone I was stuck cos everyone around me went alrdy. So I’m not just subjectively bereft but ritualistically denied of god’s presence too~
A glimmer is praying the examen. I rly gotta push through the drowsiness. But even in just 2 days, I wonder why I nv made it more of a habit. That’s a good thing going I guess. So if the lent discernment doesn’t yield the certainty I’m hoping for, at least i hope it’ll hv the secondary (and probably more impt) fruit of deepening my prayer life and rship w God.”
Friday 12 Feb
Today really wasn’t about the work, was it?